It has been a year since the government published the press release, ‘“Blame game” ends as no-fault divorce comes into force’. The release marked the commencement of a long campaigned for change to divorce law in England and Wales.
The main aim of the change was to allow couples who did not want to be married anymore to divorce without having to blame the other party. It was designed to reduce conflict and enable more amicable separations and joint petitions, speed up the process and reduce costs. The change also removed the ability to contest a divorce.
No-fault divorce moved away from the previous process whereby divorce was only granted for one of five reasons (adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, two years separation with consent or five years of separation), thus removing the legal requirement to assign blame.
So, if the legal requirement for blame has been removed, has blame itself now disappeared?
For some divorcing couples, those who have determined that their marriage has reached its natural conclusion, who are in agreement and wish to separate amicably, this is not an issue as there is no blame. But what about the rest?
Just because the allowable reasons for divorce (the legal blame) are no longer required does not mean that those reasons no longer occur and cause the marriage to break down. For example, statistics show that around 14% of divorce is due to infidelity. So, in cases where there is likely to be ‘emotional blame’, how is this dealt with?
It is somewhat of a myth that even prior to the change in the law blame was dealt with by the legal process, even though many divorcing couples assumed that there would be some consequence or punishment handed out to the blamed party. Although this was generally not the case, merely being able to have the reason recorded in official documentation gave some sense of justice. Anecdotally, I have heard that some clients even rushed to petition their divorce before the new law came into effect, for this very reason.
When we talk about blame, ‘emotional blame’, what do we mean? We blame someone when we feel that they have hurt us, or committed an injustice towards us, and this can lead to anger and resentment. If these emotions are not dealt with effectively, they can progress to bitterness which is incredibly destructive for the person experiencing it and those around them. We all know the much Instagrammed quote ‘holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’.
It is essential, therefore, not to fall into the trap of thinking that blame has disappeared with the arrival of the no-fault divorce, it has not. If anything, ‘emotional blame’ may have amplified a little without the legal acknowledgement and outlet.
The cornerstone of divorce coaching is taking responsibility for your own life, getting clarity on your situation and taking control. Blame, on the other hand, is the opposite of taking responsibility, someone else has done something to you and they are responsible for your life now. Blame is disempowering, it causes you to hand your control to another person. When you are responsible for your own life you cannot blame anyone else because no one else controls your life, your emotions, your reactions, only you.
Now more than ever, where blame exists in a divorce, it is essential to acknowledge it and deal with it effectively. Legal blame in divorce may be a thing of the past but blame itself is not.
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